“I form the light, and create darkness.

I make peace, and create evil.

Photo illustration by Ben Olson.

I the Lord do all these things.”

—Isaiah 45:7 (KJV)

“God moves and actuates all in all,

thus he moves and acts in Satan.”

—Martin Luther

I’ve been studying the Book of Job for clues about the relationship between Donald Trump and Mike Pence. Many conservative Christians believe that God has sent Trump to save the nation, so I’m re-telling the story with this foremost in mind.

Let’s set the scene: God sits on his throne and Trump approaches him. He reports that he has been roaming the earth from golf course to golf course, and that he has encountered God’s faithful servant Michael Pence. Trump opines that he has never met such a pious ass, and that he has a proposition for the Almighty.

Trump Makes a Wager with God

Trump: “If you rig the 2016 election for me and make Pence my vice-president, I’m certain that I can make him just as corrupt as I am.” God replies: “I don’t think you will succeed, but I empower you and place my Good Michael in your hands.” Trump is so sure of his wager that he bets Trump Tower and Mar-a-Lago.

God Hardens Hearts Against Clinton

God hardened the hearts of many in Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania against Hillary and the election goes to Trump and Pence in the Electoral College. (God doesn’t care about the popular vote.) Here are excerpts from their first post-election meeting:

“Do you promise not to object when I say that wind turbines cause cancer”? “Yes, Sir. Actually, I agree with you.”

“Will you promise to remain silent and stone-faced as I give Chuck and Nancy or any of my opponents a tongue-lashing”? “Yes, Sir.”

“When I send you to speak to NATO leaders, will you tell them what a bunch of free-loaders they are?” “Yes, Sir.”

“Will you always support me in my denial that I never had sex with Stormy Daniels”? Yes, I will, Sir.”

“Will you agree not to snicker when I tell the world that I’m in love with North Korea’s dictator?” “Yes, Sir.”

“Will you support me when I ignore the human rights records of my autocrat friends?” “I certainly will, Mr. President.”

“Will you ignore my lack of compassion even though your wimpy Jesus commands it?” “Yes, Sir.”

“When I break the law, will you announce to the press that I actually did not”? “Yes, Sir.”

“When I ask you to break the law, will you accept a pardon if you’re caught”? I guess so, Mr. President.”

“Will you promise to support me in all that I say and do”? “Absolutely, Sir.”

Good Michael Complains to his Wife

The Good Michael is so stressed in his job that boils break out all over his body. He shares his frustrations with his wife: “Trump mocks me when I ask the staff to pray; he refuses to join the White House Bible daily studies; he uses the F-word and takes the Lord’s name in vain; he undermines my attempts t o help Congress pass legislation; and he made us have lunch with the gay prime minister of Ireland. He stands against everything that we believe.”

Michael’s wife answers as Job’s unnamed spouse does: “Do you still hold fast your integrity? Curse God and die” (2:9). The not-so good Michael replies as Job does: “You speak as one of the foolish women speaks.” Instead of cursing God, Michael laments the day he was born.

Good Michael’s Friends Rebuke Him

Michael’s three best biblical friends—Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar—come to comfort him. Michael reminds them that he is the most righteous man in the land, and he boasts that he would never have lunch with a woman unless his wife is present. He insists that he does not deserve this shame and humiliation.

Eliphaz replies: “Should a wise man utter vain knowledge, and fill his belly with the east wind? For thy own mouth uttereth thine iniquity. Thine own mouth condemneth thee”(15:2, 5, 6). Michael then rends his suit and covers himself in ashes.

Trump Responds out of a Whirlwind

God hears Michael’s complaints, wants to respond, but he is too busy smiting evil doers. God had already anointed Trump as America’s Messiah, so he deputizes Trump to answer Pence’s complaints. Trump responds out of a whirlwind (chap. 38), made more intense by climate change. With a roar Trump declares: “Gird up your loins like a man, I will question you, and you shall declare to me” (v. 3).

“Have I not produced the best economy the world has ever seen”? “Yes, Lord.”

“Have I not stood up to world leaders to get the best trade deals with Mexico, Canada, and China”? “Yes, my Lord.”

“Have I not put immigrant children in cages for their own good, and as an example to others who might want to invade our country”? “Yes, Lord.”

“Have I not taught autocrats around the world to call ‘fake news’ on any accounts that question their leadership”? “Yes, my Lord.”

“Aren’t I great for removing us from every multi-lateral agreement and leaving those wimpy countries in the lurch?” “Good for you, Lord.”

“Have not made your wish to make abortion illegal a real possibility”? “Yes, my Lord, that is wonderful.”

“Have I not earned the Nobel Peace Prize for being soul mates with Kim Jong-un”? Yes, of course, my Lord.”

“Will not God crown me as King of the World in Jerusalem”? “I can’t wait, my Lord.”

“Do you now have any complaints”? “No, my Lord.”

Good Michael Gets His Rewards

Trump reminds Michael that it is God, not he, who is the cause of all his miseries (42:11), but God is now ready to reward his loyalty handsomely: he will receive 14,000 sheep, 6,000 camels, 2,000 oxen, and 1,000 she asses (42:12). When Michael asked where he could possibly to put all these animals, Trump answers: “There is lots of pasture land in Indiana where you come from. By the way, you are being replaced on the 2020 ticket by either Sergey Lavrov or Sergey Kislyak—I can’t decide.”

God’s final reward is to grant Michael’s wife 10 more children. When Michael responds that he will have to ask her, Trump cuts him off: “She will obey”! And when Michael says that she might be too old, Trump reminds him: “Did not God make Sarah conceive in Two Corinthians? And besides, we need many more white children to make the American Reich great again.”

Lady Wisdom Intervenes Just in Time

Lady Wisdom, described as God’s “delight” and as co-creator (Proverbs 8:30), assumes her rightful place in Heaven, as she does asShekinah in the Jewish Kabbalah and in Hinduism. She consigns Trump to Sheol (Job 7:9), and she sends Michael back to Indiana to take care of all his animals. She assigns those Republicans defeated in the 2018 to help Michael with this huge task, because Old Testament farmers, including the young David, are presumably their heroes.

Lady Wisdom repossesses Trump Tower and opens its doors to refugees with a preference for Syrians. The rooms at Mar-a-Lago are reserved for Central American families seeking asylum, and the golf course is opened to the public at nominal fees. The rest of Trump’s properties around the world are nationalized and repurposed for public use.

The Goddess rescinds Trump’s command that Michael’s wife have ten more children, and she makes sure that the constant attack on women’s reproductive rights comes to an end. She supports Ivanka Trump’s efforts to legislate federal maternity leaves, but makes sure that it is extended to three months and is fully funded. Finally, she commits herself to progressive politicians around the world who are campaigning to overcome centuries years of patriarchal rule.